Never to Say Goodbye Again

People - Tyler, PamBack in the 1970s Dan England sang the song, “Never Have To Say Good-Bye Again.”  It was “our” song.  Having dated from a distance for much of our relationship, that tune spoke of the desire Pam and I had to be married and to live the rest of our lives together.  It was a great marriage that lasted 27 years. We lived the dream that many couples could only wish for.  We loved God and we loved the churches we served: congregations in Verdun, St. Laurent, and Hudson, Quebec; and one congregation in Kamloops, British Columbia.  As a Pastor, I couldn’t imagine doing the work without Pam. 

The unimaginable became a possibility when Pam was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2002.  The diagnosis swept us into a personal darkness that was emotionally paralyzing.  Our congregation and friends helped as best they could, but fear gripped us.  Surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments were all performed. Soon we became confident that Pam was going to beat the disease.  All the follow-up tests went well. However, in 2005, the cancer was back.

Various chemotherapy treatments were again attempted, but the disease ran rampant with all of its horrors.  Pam died quickly, leaving three children, and me, bewildered and distraught. Words could never describe the mourning, the loneliness, and pain of loss.  Those days dragged by with no purpose, with no escape from the torment.  

In the pulpit I had often preached on the subject of trials and their intended benefit, but for the life of me I could not see any of those benefits during those days. The lyrics of “Never have to say Goodbye Again” taunted me. 

But God always dispenses His grace.

A God-given awareness that I needed the church as my place of safety was a work of His grace. I knew that I was vulnerable to making disastrous decisions during this time.  Being accountable to my church helped me through the decisions I would make in the months after Pam’s death.  The people of Dallas-Barnhartvale Church didn’t know what to do to help me, but they gave me two major graces: 1) space, and 2) interaction.  I needed both.  I had to grieve.  They let me.   They gave me the space needed to travel to family and friends, all the while on payroll.  They loved me from a distance.  They also interacted with me just enough for me to see that they cared. They phoned just enough.  I had coffee with my staff, just enough. They were fantastic.  God used His church.
God also used the grace-gift of my family. The kids were starting their lives.  Curtis and Lindsey were both married and had spouses.  Shannon was 16.  My kids kept me intact.  The responsibility I had to them kept me from selling everything to motor around North America.  I was lost and they kept my feet grounded. Pam had said to me years earlier, when the kids were going through difficult phases, “I would be willing to die of cancer if my children would only love and follow God.” Pam’s wish was realized.  Today, our kids are all following God. 

I also received the grace from the Spirit of God.  No longer did I have the companionship and presence of my wife but God was there to meet me in my lonely evenings.  The other side of my bed held a TV remote controller, a book and a Bible, rather than my wife.  That is a sad reality of the death of a mate.  With the change in human companionship, I was able to concentrate on the grace and presence of the Almighty.  He met, comforted, and directed me in the evening hours.
I wish I could say that life became easier because of God’s presence, but it wasn’t always.  However, God used my situation to help me understand and minister His grace to others who traveled similar paths.

Healing has allowed me to experience joy in my life once again.  I eventually fell in love and am now husband to Annette.  Another great marriage!

Whenever I hear the song “Never Have To Say Goodbye Again” it brings back mixed emotions. But I have come to the important conclusion that Dan England’s song only offers a truth that can be fully realized in heaven, not on earth.

—Don is Lead Pastor at Westsyde Baptist Church, Kamloops, BC.